I Can't Help Myself

“You’re moving to the Bible belt?” and “I can’t believe you’re moving to a red state.” These were things I heard before making the move from the New York area to the south.

I assured these doubting Thomases that Asheville was an exception to the stereotype, that there were all denominations of churches, synagogues, sweat lodges – you could probably find an establishment that worshipped tattoo artists. All are welcome here. Rainbow flags abound. Boy was I smug when November’s election turned my state from red to blue right there on the screen for the whole country to see. And while it’s true that there seems to be a Baptist Church every ¼ mile, I didn’t feel Christian judgment encroaching in the least. Until now.

I joined a writing group in town that critiques fiction pieces. It’s a group of 15 – 20 men and women of varying age, sexual preference, and writing experience. It meets one Saturday a month. Four pieces are scheduled ahead of time and emailed to the group. You come in with your own copies marked, and the pieces are discussed. The leader of our group recently announced that we could submit query letters (letters soliciting agents and/or publishers) for critique if we wished.

I wish I could tell you that I was there - to see the critique of a particular query letter happen with my own eyes. I was out of town. Up north. But out of curiosity, the other day, was going through my emails and decided to read the four pieces I had missed.

The author of the query, let’s call him Bob, is trying to sell his book idea:

Guide to Sex for Christian Couples.

Where exactly do I begin. Let’s see, first I’ll clear the rage out of my eyes. Okay.

“Christian couples” we all know he means:
1.) Married
2.) Heterosexual.

At the very table where this letter was to be read, there had to have been at least four gay people. Four people at the table, who by the standards of this book-to-be, will be labeled an abomination. What about the divorcee or widow at the end of table who is possibly enjoying a new relationship as her wounds have just recently healed? What about the young man in his twenties who loves his girlfriend very much, but isn’t in the right place for marriage yet? Do these people just not count? Are they going to hell?

I can’t help myself, I have to give you a quote from Bob’s query:
“When we needed this information, there was nothing on the market like our proposed book (there still is not). The Christian oriented books were too spiritual to discuss techniques; the books that discussed techniques were distinctly non-Christian and often promote dangerous practices such as anal sex or sex in the water.”

In the list of chapters, there is one titled, “Bad Ideas”
Bad like, god will set you on fire if you try that?

Bob is serious. When I really think about his seriousness, my laughter subsides and the situation becomes not so funny. This is the kind of s*#t that could produce A Handmaid’s Tale type society if too many people thought this way.

Here’s another quote:
“The text is intended to be in popular style and tone with a readability index of 8th grade”

Yeah, no s*#t.

I wish this type of Christian, like Bob, would stop living their lives only for the future – their own death. In living their life for the sole purpose of arriving in heaven, they are extremely cruel and divisive to any other group. I think Jesus would be upset. He was a liberal and a hippie and would probably hate Bob's guts.

I hope Bob’s computer spontaneously combusts so he can’t write the book. I think it’s bad for the world.

Here is my wish for the world – THINK, READ, THINK, READ, THINK, READ, AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, BE KIND TO EACH OTHER. STOP THE DIVIDING. STOP THE DIVIDING. STOP THE DIVIDING.